Wednesday, December 01, 2004
like I said, amazing what passes for good news.
Miss N breezed into my room today and said "some good news at last". this was the news that there was no cancer at all in the breast that was removed on Monday. somehow I took it a little differently. the cancer had been right up to the margin of what she removed last week. the rest was completely clear. she says it's good because my total "mass" (which is an indicator of likely survival and already huge at 5cm) has not gone up. having the mastectomy will have made no difference at all to my likely survival.
I won't start on about regrets. no, instead I've made a deal with the God I don't really believe in: I'll cop this, I'll walk around for from years to months with cotton padding and grotesque plastic breast thingies in my bras, if you'll give me my life and another baby. I won't complain. I won't say it's not fair, I won't think about how a couple of months ago I would almost certainly have got away with the wide excision. I will try not to resent every other woman's breasts. but don't let it come back, and let me get through chemo and the next two years so well that there is no good reason why we can't have another baby. I'll be nearly 41 when the two-years-from-treatment deadline expires. (It's set to more or less give you a good chance of not having a recurrence). that's old. but it's not too old, especially for someone who's already done IVF and knows that it will be worth it.
I'd like to return to my regularly scheduled programming, and gradually I think I will, but the b.c. will keep being an issue here. I considered starting another blog, but every time I do that the previous blog gets abandoned, and I kind of like this one.
A. and dh came in this afternoon and we went for a very slow walk around the park. this time has indeed been good for dh's bonding with A. He'll have to go back to work soon, and I have to start organising support for chemo etc. but all in all, dh has been pretty good. he hasn't looked at the scar yet (hell, I've only looked sideways at it in a darkened room, down my chest, not in the mirror), but I believe him when he says he'll still love me and want to have sex with me. he's been tired and under pressure and of course I've been no help at all. funny thing, this marriage business. we really are in it for the long haul. I'd say until death do us part, but the official position on death is that it's at least 35 years away.
got some visitors coming in tonight. gradually feeling a bit more rested, if not strong. one day after all this is over I will owe some friends some heartfelt thanks and whatever I can do for them - though one hopes they'll never really need my help.
Miss N breezed into my room today and said "some good news at last". this was the news that there was no cancer at all in the breast that was removed on Monday. somehow I took it a little differently. the cancer had been right up to the margin of what she removed last week. the rest was completely clear. she says it's good because my total "mass" (which is an indicator of likely survival and already huge at 5cm) has not gone up. having the mastectomy will have made no difference at all to my likely survival.
I won't start on about regrets. no, instead I've made a deal with the God I don't really believe in: I'll cop this, I'll walk around for from years to months with cotton padding and grotesque plastic breast thingies in my bras, if you'll give me my life and another baby. I won't complain. I won't say it's not fair, I won't think about how a couple of months ago I would almost certainly have got away with the wide excision. I will try not to resent every other woman's breasts. but don't let it come back, and let me get through chemo and the next two years so well that there is no good reason why we can't have another baby. I'll be nearly 41 when the two-years-from-treatment deadline expires. (It's set to more or less give you a good chance of not having a recurrence). that's old. but it's not too old, especially for someone who's already done IVF and knows that it will be worth it.
I'd like to return to my regularly scheduled programming, and gradually I think I will, but the b.c. will keep being an issue here. I considered starting another blog, but every time I do that the previous blog gets abandoned, and I kind of like this one.
A. and dh came in this afternoon and we went for a very slow walk around the park. this time has indeed been good for dh's bonding with A. He'll have to go back to work soon, and I have to start organising support for chemo etc. but all in all, dh has been pretty good. he hasn't looked at the scar yet (hell, I've only looked sideways at it in a darkened room, down my chest, not in the mirror), but I believe him when he says he'll still love me and want to have sex with me. he's been tired and under pressure and of course I've been no help at all. funny thing, this marriage business. we really are in it for the long haul. I'd say until death do us part, but the official position on death is that it's at least 35 years away.
got some visitors coming in tonight. gradually feeling a bit more rested, if not strong. one day after all this is over I will owe some friends some heartfelt thanks and whatever I can do for them - though one hopes they'll never really need my help.
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