Sunday, January 30, 2005

took A. to the pool with dh this afternoon. it was lots of fun, floating around with him in the warm, shallow water. not so much fun listening to other parents chat about the gaps between their babies' ages and what age gap is ideal.

I try not to be bitter and resentful. I know others have it worse than me. but wasn't one lot of IVF and the associated crap enough? why this? we should be transferring next it could be anything from 18 months to five years to never to the next pregnancy, mine or a gs's.

they were really quite nice people, the other parents, and they admired A. it's just this feeling I have of a sort of dirty secret when I keep my mouth shut during such discussions.

not unlike when friends' friends ask me, as they did this morning on a bushwalk get-together, "how've you been" and I say "good!" like I mean it.

I'm not good. I'm doing chemotherapy. but I am good. I have a lovely baby, a lovely dh, a good life, I'm writing, I would be happy if it weren't for this black cloud. oh well, at least I'm appreciating the bejesus out of every little second of it. possibly too much. it's kind of relaxing to be able to take things for granted. and I can't.

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