Sunday, April 03, 2005

a quick blog before bed, because it's 7.45 pm and the baby will wake up at 5 if we're lucky, 4.30 if we're not.

dh and I have both had a horrid virus the last week, him first, then me, complete with high temperatures, aches, nausea - you know the kind of thing, flatsville. luckily he was nearly upright again by the time I got it and I've been able to get a little rest. baby of course has had it too. there were blood tests and a boring visit to emergency on Thursday before my results came in and I was deemed safe to go home. infections in neutropaenic (sp?) people can be fatal. just like that. but my levels were OK.

but you know what? I'm tired of having this layer of death hanging over everything. I can't even get ill, dammit, without suffering the thoughts of being like that for months, then leaving my baby boy. I want to just be with him without that bittersweet wondering if this will be all, if he'll even remember me. I just want to be a normal mum. I'd been doing OK, basically in denial, for a while there. but being flattened by illness brought it all home. I just want it to go away - the fear, the guilt, the sadness for my little boy.

right, now that's off my chest (haha) I'm dropping a sleeping pill and lulling myself to sleep with some nice worthy Richard Dawkins....

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