Tuesday, July 19, 2005

yeah, OK, I've now logged 6 hours and 45 minutes of work, which is probably more than most workers actually do in a day (I'm talking real work, not office time), and I've taken my first call from a marketing director while still in my PJs, so I'm so finished for the day.

husbands: very angry with same. can't figure out exactly why, apart from that old bugbear about how he should have hustled me to a dr the second I mentioned the Lump, especially in the exhausted state I was in at the time. I just don't feel he's, you know, in this with me. like he understands, or wants to, just where my head is sometimes. and if he won't understand, if he won't be there for me now, well, who can be? and if he isn't here for me now, which with luck will be my darkest moments, frankly, what's the point of him? wouldn't I be better off alone? last time I felt like this was when I was really down with exhaustion and sleep-deprivation depression. If he's going to be mean to me, apply his unreasonably high standards of behaviour, when I'm sick and weak, exactly why should I forgive him when I'm feeling better? apart from the fact that he's A's father, that I can't have another baby without his permission (they're his embies too), and that financially it would be a disaster to leave him. no, not feeling very Pollyanna today.

Dear Baby,
I don't know why you don't ever seem to get comments on your site. I just want you to know that someone is there, listening, and wishing you all the best.
Listening, too.
And Me.
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