Tuesday, August 16, 2005

ah, so I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. maybe it's because I'm coming to the end of radiotherapy and am not really sure what to think about it all now, let alone to say. today is my last session. it would damn well want to be, as my "suntan" (massive radiation burn) is now constantly painful, irritating and messy. so I guess I'm tired and rundown from it all, and a bit apprehensive at my supposed resumption of normal life. because I really don't feel like returning to the full-on grind and effort of being a part-time working Mum, fulfilling all my little obligations. it's not like I've stepped back completely during this time - I've been doing one day a week for nearly three months now - but nor am I ready to step up a level. I'm not particularly enjoying, or disliking either, the bit of interviewing etc I have been doing, but I really prefer the column I do, where I get to pick out interesting factoids and make smartass comments about them. and most of all I prefer writing fiction; but despite a few acceptances, there is no money nor real career in that. I've looked into going back to uni to do some more creative writing subjects, even up to a Phd, but I'm still not sure that highly theoreticial, postmodernism-riddled environment is what I need. this morning was my work day, and I essentially spent it sorting out my personal to-do folder. I will have to make up the time later, when I actually have a story idea.

and how will I feel when I'm not seeing doctors every week or day? when all I have between me and a recurrence is a little white pill every morning, a lack of dairy in my diet and a shot once a month? how will I get my head around dropping that treatment in a couple of years for baby #2? will I be brave enough? of course, the clock is already ticking - I assigned July 1 to be my "end of treatment" date. so really, I should be celebrating what? six weeks without a recurrence.


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