Tuesday, September 27, 2005

yawn. one of the side effects of mild depression - which I have - is waking early. this is exacerbated by the early sunrises and the fact that I have something to worry about, ie the persistent aches in my abdomen. this morning I had an ultrasound with a totally charmless operator. he said he couldn't see anything in my liver, but poked around endless with the internal u/s for my ovaries, and didn't say anything about what might or might not have been there. so I have to wait for my dr appt on Friday. and I will still worry as long as the aches are there. while paying for the u/s I overheard a nurse asking a woman with a child who was going in for an u/s "is this the first one for this pregnancy" and I nearly cried; which was as much to do with the fact I was hungry (had to fast for the u/s) and had been put through a painful internal exam as my ongoing sadness at not being pregnant with #2.

meanwhile, my various mother-friends have plenty of their own problems and I feel bad I'm not helping out. I said to dh that my contribution was not saddling them with my own fears - it's as much as I can do right now.

and also meanwhile, my son is clearly a genius. at not even 23 months he is predicting what is needed to carry out tasks; eg I said "do you want to do some drawing?" and he said "yes" and started carefully clearing the whiteboard of magnetic numbers, without being asked. the phrase "ray of sunshine" was invented for that boy.

I am supposed to be working and have an article to file today and also have to fit a swim in but I am feeling blah. might a) call friend having crisis to see if I can help and b) go out for lunch. because I can.

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