Saturday, November 19, 2005

with husbands it's different; you have to deal with them on a day to day basis, which can make arguments either worse, as no one has a chance to get perspective, or better, as you have to resolve your differences. what do you do with friends when you fight?

As expected, K was at the party tonight. we barely spoke to each other; she returned a toy I left in my hasty departure last week, and I gave her two job ad clippings I'd cut out for her. otherwise, nothing. A played with her, of course, as he has no idea what is going on; her daughter, who is at a very social age, seemed somewhat wary of me, which is a pity.then we both talked to other people. but I ended up next to her on the couch during the buffet dinner and I listened to what she was saying to the guy next to her and you know what? if I'm judgmental, so is she. and opinionated, and forthright. and these are things I have always known, and things that are part of her appeal to me. when she's annoyed me with those traits in the past, either by being intolerant or immoderate in her statements, or turning her judgment on me, I've rolled my eyes and thought "that's just K."

but seeing as she seems to have withdrawn the same kind of allowance from her relationship with me, I'm taking a good hard look, and not necessarily much liking what I see. She pushes me around; the other week I came home to find she was about to take A and the dog out for a walk just as I was about to serve up lunch (dh was going to let her, of course); tonight she told her daughter to take A out and play with him when I was having a difficult moment with him on the couch. I declined. she often crosses the line I'd prefer to set with my child for people who are not family. on one level it's nice that she is so involved with him; on another I resent her taking control of the level of that involvement. And in her opinionated, forthright way, she's pushed me around a bit, scoffed at my opinions, behaved insensitively (she was the one who came to my hospital room after my mastectomy and spent ten minutes complaining how much trouble she was having finding a dress that her big boobs looked good in for a formal function). yet she's my friend, a close confidant, has been for years. more complicated, she's a core part of a small, tight group of friends and would be hard to exclude from my life even if I wanted to.

so right now I've got a lot of things to talk about, what with dh's father being ill, my own recurrent depression - I think that's what it is - over the constant threat to my own life, and the pedestrian issue of my employer and the fight over the redundancy. recently I've talked her through a similar battle with her ex-employer, taken her kids for a night when her dad was ill and generally listened to her problems at great length. and I feel this is a time she should be there for me. instead, it seems she's not interested in seeking me out to apologise or even discuss the events of the other night - whether she's snubbing me or simply dismissing it as an issue (the later is quite possible, she's a confrontational type and may not realise what a big deal it is) is hard to know. of course she doesn't know about FIL or the latest on the work thing. because she's not speaking to me. sigh. it's late, I've come home from the party relatively early because A wouldn't sleep there, I have a busy day tomorrow and right now I feel somewhat sad and alone. I guess I'll just focus on my other friends and let this ride for a while. I have some pride invested in it, and don't have the energy to fight a battle of any kind on a new front right now. (getting on better with dh this week, even before he went away, as part of a conscious decision after last week's fights. also the way K blew up at me made me think: am I like that to dh? do I attack that hard? maybe I should be nicer...)

Only you know if you want to still be a friend to this person. One thing I find that helps is to just think about how you feel when you are with K. If it is a good happy feeling then you can forgive her. If it is a unhappy feeling them maybe you should move on.

One of the hardest things I had to do was tell one of my closet friends that I would not put up with the way she was treating me. It turned out she thought it was her right to treat me badly and saw nothing wrong with it. So I moved on and got nicer friends.
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