Tuesday, July 18, 2006

a researcher whom I emailed a while back about post-post-pregnancy breast cancer pregnancy (read it a few times, it'll make sense eventually) sent me thislink last night. basically it's a summary of research that fails to find any indication that pregnancy would be a problem. of course there's nothing still on my very narrow niche category - post pg bc, hormonally supported pregnancy - but every now and then between the depression, fear of death and bitterness about the delay, at the very least, I get a flash of hope; maybe I won't die. maybe I'll have another baby. maybe my life has been given back to me. though I still feel it's being held hostage.

taped the Kylie interview last night; the tiny bit I saw while the ads were on on the other channel (Desperate Housewives; utter trash, of course), anyway, the bit I saw made me think she is really not ready for whatever comes next for her. I suspect the tears might be related as much to the baby thing as the cancer thing, but if the queen of persona can't put on a blackly humorous front or similar for her big TV interview, it's cut really deep. of course she may have consciously decided not to make light of it or protect herself.

yesterday my mother made some comment about not wanting to be put on all sorts of drugs if she got sick. both my Dad and I ripped into her; a) I'm doing it and b) so many things are curable, treatable. you don't just give in. not until the balance is tipped so life isn't worthwhile. and for one thing, my parents have A: don't they adore him? they're 69 and they get down on the floor and muck around with him like ten year olds. it's a good thing to see.

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