Tuesday, August 22, 2006

things are a bit knife-edged around here at the moment: dh is copping a lot, but sometimes I think he deserves it - what he'll have to do to really be forgiven for letting things got as they got in Hong Kong, and the consequences, with which I live every minute, I don't know. I guess I'll never really be over it, particularly while he says he can't cope with me not being over it. if I don't die, if this *&^$ reconstruction ever gets finished, if I get another baby, then, maybe. but there's also the effects of chemo - I still get very tired sometimes - and I don't know if what I've done with my career (ie, trashing it in order to Write) is a good idea or self-delusion, cowardice. so of course the conflict between his work and my attempts at having a life is a little hotter than your average argument over who should take out the garbage.

the suture line still hasn't healed and may never: pretty soon I'll have to decide between no breast and chopping up other parts of my body to create one; meanwhile it's been four months since I was free to exercise properly. A is sleeping less so I've got less writing done. all of which has led to me being quite volatile and fairly unhappy, which of course A picks up on. the last couple of weeks he's been getting clingy at childcare when I try to leave. this morning it took half an hour and in the end I left him crying, which I've never done before. but all I could think about was how time to get on with my (possibly futile) writing was slipping away. in other words, of my needs over his.

I'm going to get the dh to drop A. off at childcare on Friday; I can't stand doing that twice in one week.

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