Monday, January 15, 2007

this is not related at all to babies or cancer except indirectly. I am sitting here hating myself but knowing I'm doing the right thing. Before xmas, I agreed to take on a huge and very boring report for someone I've done a bit of work for. it is massive: 800 articles to be crunched into 30,000 words. I was told it was about 40 hours work. then of course I got sick, the dog got sick and on top of that a publisher has asked to see more of my work but I don't have time to - and did I mention that dh is away all week, Sunday to Saturday inclusive? and I have several other timeconsuming and stressful non-mothering tasks underway.

this report is due next Monday. I'd allowed 40 hours with a margin, but all my hard-organised childcare time went on hospital, etc, etc. I felt sick when I realised how big it was to start with; now at the 35 hour mark I have at least 10-15 hours work to do, and no time to do it in. so this morning I emailed the person I'm doing it for - and he's on holiday - telling him I couldn't finish it and discussing which bits I should leave undone. he's just emailed me back saying "if it takes more than 40 hours just proceed", so I"ve had to mail him again being even clearer: I am doing 40 hours, then I'm stopping. He said it would be too hard for someone else to take it over at this stage so I've suggested that maybe I should get it to someone else now, not next week: and that I'm keeping the undone bits as well-defined as possible.

I have always tried to honour my commitments. but I didn't commit to an endless task. and I guess I also believe, post-cancer, that I need to have time to rest, to be with my little boy, to write. the only way to get this work done would be to cancel everything else and stay up until midnight all week working. and I'm just not going to do that for something that I didn't promise to do in the first place that is, after all, just for the money, not love.

can you tell I'm still trying to convince myself I'm right? I'm not right. I'm wrong. I'm letting someone down. But I know if I don't I'll go crazy and I'm not doing that. not any more.

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