Tuesday, May 01, 2007

it's entirely possible I will forever associate yellow chrysthanthemums with the words "80 per cent of recurrences have happened by this point" and the sight of my oncologist rather melodramatically tearing up my extremely boring blood test results.

technically the 2-year mark post treament is the end of July. the end of next week is 2.5 years post diagnosis.

and twice since today's appointment (where there were yellow flowers on the desk) I've thought: maybe I won't die - and had a sort of exhaling reaction that you'd expect when, say, you've just crossed a railway crossing and an unexpected train shoots over the crossing half a foot behind you.

how much tension, fear and anxiety have I really got stored up? living with cancer is a funny kind of living. lately I've had a little more physical energy, probably due to the fitness regime post-reconstruction-fuckup. but I also wonder how much of my Hong Kong exhaustion was cancer, not breastfeeding. after that, of course, there was chemo, radio, etc. am I only now, a month before my 41st birthday, coming back into myself? if I backdate all the medical hooha to IVF it's been 4.5 years of this shit. about time to get my mojo really happening again, methinks. not sure how: a new job? a new assault on writing? a 25 year old lover who doesn't mind a mastectomy? I'll think of something. dr also said he was quite relaxed about the baby thing now, signalling that I really was quite likely to die. and now I'm not. YAHOO! (with the usual shouldn't-celebrate-it's-bad-luck reservations)

btw, must get: cancer vixen. don't know if it's sold here. an extract ran in the paper the other weekend. she looks like she has the right attitude. she was diagnosed almost exactly 6 months before me

I feel uplifted reading this.
I can definately smell Mojo BB!!!
Congrats on winning the fight- great news! Enjoy the reclamation of "normality"! (Whatever normal means...)

Any chance your archives are still accessible? I started reading them to compare notes with my experiences with my DS (Nov 2006, I suspect same obstetrician, I also desperately need sleep school- maybe next week). Then your writing style and story got me hooked, and then suddenly your archives vanished! No probs if you have reasons for keeping them to yourself... just thought I might as well ask.

Enjoy the Mojo.
hi VTG;
don't go to the sleep school I went to. they just said it would take months of their method to work. I needed, like, right away. in the end what worked was a nasty crying-it-out method coupled with a strict and predictable routine. only advised for the truly desperate.

didn't know there was an archive problem. will check.

and I'm not saying "winning". not yet. just not losing, which is enough. off to read, drunkenly, Cancer Vixen.

ps: obstretrician. first initial L?
Hi Baby,

Did your sleep school start with T?! (the pat and pat method..) I'm off to Mitcham, which a friend says is a "close the door, go have a cup of tea and look after yourself" place. In 5 days her baby went from waking every 45 minutes overnight to sleeping 18 hours a day (he's back to a more normal routine now- they said he was catching up on 6 months of lost sleep) Don't tell me if they were the place that failed you! I am telling myself they'll sort us out too.....

LHS unless I'm much mistaken, I made the connection from your early initial description of his accent plus his initials and those of his (lovely) midwife.

Cautiously optimistic, I hope, if you're not saying winning. Keep the boring path results coming!
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