Saturday, October 09, 2010

I guess I expected some great declaration on his part, or a blank refusal.

Instead, we have a kind of muddling-along falling-into-it progress into a second attempt, in which I have to be on my best behaviour to prove we have a future together. and I am not, apparently, allowed to treat it as a redemptive exercise, though I am allowed to ask that things be different this time.

but I can't stop seeing it that way. that though I am so much older this time, and that though it will be more exhausting than before, that maybe this is his chance to treat me better, to take care of his pregnant wife/wife with baby as he should have last time.

if. if, of course.

so I am on low-dose oestrogen for ten days, bizarrely enough after five years of blocking all oestrogen from my body. hell, I can't even spell it properly.

then the joy of a second internal scan, then maybe 15 days after that we can try for a transfer.

and it is costing $900 a time to try, plus 1400 that we get back from Medicare.

and one of the inventors of IVF has just got the Nobel Prize for Medicine. yay. doubly so as it has annoyed the Vatican. Like China protesting about the 2010 peace prize going to a Chinese dissident, that tells me they made the right decision.

and apparently IVF in Australia produces about 56% boys. A. says he wants a brother. I, of course, would rather a girl. but I know that I will be happy with either.

exhausted, sleepless, regretting the loss of the life I've built up as the mother of "just the one" over the years. but happy.

is that not redemptive?

there are eight embies in storage. at one a time, that will take until at least mid next year to get through, depending on how each transfer goes. my one wish is, if they don't work, for them not to work upfront. no miscarriages. please. and I'm not even planning to do a Down's scan. no abortions, either.

expect I'll be back on here a lot more than before. I may even hunt down the old IVF forums, though all my cycle mates will have moved on long ago. in the amazingly personal and private emotional work to be done, there is this: others are going through it.

(which puts me in mind of the recent moments I've had, reading about a child who lost his eyes to cancer, and seeing a woman with a missing leg and I think arm, I didn't stare, at the pool. an easily concealed prosthetic breast? that's naaarthing...)

Thinking of you- may all the stars align. It's worth the sleepless nights :)
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