Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I should be getting ready for work, but I am grabbing a chance to blog in the hope it will sort my head out.

all the biopsies (fucking general a's, I hate them), bloods, etc etc showed up nothing. so there's two cycles wasted.

and now, due to my husband's utter selfishness and inability to be empathetic, I am

it's a long story around my asking for an afternoon to do some work on Sunday, then getting the start of a migraine, letting him know about that, yet just after I had said "I've taken two major painkillers and I'm going to try to have a sleep" - a sleep, caffeine and a swim being the best way to nip my migraines the bud - SECONDS after that he got a text from a friend and announced he wanted to go to a music even THAT DAY AT 4 PM!

which I said was unfair and pointed out what bad timing it was to even ask such a thing, as for him to go at four I'd have to be worried about waking up early to get in the water and look after A. in time. and that kind of pressure makes napping impossible for me.

and instead of addressing the issue and saying it was OK, he was happy not to go, or that he'd take A. with him, he made a snarky comment implying what a bitch I was - defensiveness in action, no empathy for the way he knew I was feeling.

result: I was miserable, cried, got upset, couldn't sleep and the migraine took hold deep in my skull. so I have had it for four days now, through a period when I have had to do two public talks, run two classes, write 1000 words of creative stuff and present that to the class I've been in all semester. I am in real pain and can't think properly. he seems not to realise how painful and mentally debilitating these headaches are - I run my life by thinking on my feet and when I have them I can hardly speak - and not to care about simply helping me with something I'd had booked in all week (I'd taken A out of town overnight Friday and all of Saturday, so it's not like he hadn't any free time.).

other result: I am feeling so pressured in my life with the inability to cope that something has to give. and my work and other commitments are rock-solid promises. Also, I have swallowed so many Voltaren, aspirin, panadol and Nurofen that my teeth ache and I am constipated and woozy above and beyond the headache. the three icepacks are on high rotation and I have nothing to give beyond what I must. I particuarly have no desire to have any kind of sex with the dickhead who landed me in this (seriously, if he'd just shut up and worked it out for himself like a responsible adult on Sunday instead of landing it on me like I was going to drop my work and wish my headache away, I'm sure the headache would have been dealt with then, or at least not developed as viciously as it had. )

end result: I am on the verge of cancelling the first proper cycle since the one that got me a negative in March. one part of me wants to soldier on but I know it's the sensible thing to do; it frees up so much time, so many appointments and restrictions on my diet, exercise and frankly, alcohol consumption. once I'm better I am going to have a proper destressing drink with my girlfriends.

it's my 45th birthday next week. it would have been nice to be pg for it. but being in the 2ww for it is another matter. also I have an oncologist checkup the day before what would be transfer day. finding out I have possible recurrence with an emby on board and/or defrosted and ready to go is not what I need.

but the IVF dr (took 24 hours to reach her on the phone) is going away in late June. she wants me to wait and see if I get my period naturally, but that may push the tx into the time she's away, so she's reluctantly sending me some drugs to bring it on for that week I'd need to restart. Losing one month to get my head straight is one thing, but losing two would make it FOUR MONTHS WITH NOTHING HAPPENING and I'm not sure I'm OK with that. A month will take me past the time I'm teaching, and though I'll be busy, it'll be easier to work around the IVF. also I can restart a cycle, building the lining and all that, without a body full of nasty pills, and with the time and energy to eat better.

and I have no hope of husband somehow improving his game. I just need to decide if I can live with someone who acts as if my illness is an optional thing, who doesn't ever stop and think before he does exactly what suits him. I never mention the word divorce or leaving him to him. that is not a good way to play these things. but I think about it when I realise how this is going to be a recurring pattern all my life: having to fight for things he should offer me freely. having to shout at him to get him to see how much pain I'm in.

bugger. what a depressing post. suppose I should pick up the phone and start cancelling...

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