Monday, August 15, 2011

I don't know why I'm even blogging right now. possibly because the rain is coming down outside, I'm too sick (cold) to swim and it's too wet to ride, so what else can I do?

possibly I'm getting a bit depressed. repeated negatives (the seventh was a neg, of course, despite all the injections and acupuncture and drugs and rest), the lowered levels of exercise, the restrictions on my social life, and other stresses which normally I would cope with but come in addition to the IVF stress; all these add up. ideally I'd be spending this week madly riding and swimming and sometimes drinking to make up for the enforced non-ness of the two week wait, but instead I'm sick. can't even take comfort in the fact I've lost a little weight, as it's not a good idea to lose more weight now anyway - usually I'd treat a kilo drop as a head start and try to lose more, but I'm skinny enough as it is from a getting pg pov.

and the constant pressure - it really does feel like a physical pressure - of what is likely to come, of the call that will be our eighth negative and the last ever - sits on me, ready to bring me down every time I take notice of it.

the time for being upbeat and hopeful is probably over. if the final one works, it will be a miracle and I'll be very pleased. but statistically and realistically, the chances are it won't. it may not even thaw.

taking a few weeks off because there's a lot booked in socially these next few weeks, then doing a scan early September and if there's no action reproductively speaking, will start a cycle that will lead to a test late September. was feeling ready to tell a couple of close friends what's going on, but when we met up, it was all banal and surface conversation and I just didn't say anything. have email/seen rarely friends whom I can confide in.

what can I say? it all sucks. it's been a hard year, particularly emotionally. I have a beautiful boy who came to see me in my bed this morning and let me tickle his feet. when I was in the shower he stood outside the door and played recorder for me. we're taking him skiing in two weeks, which wouldn't be happening if I was pregnant.

but one of his friends also teases him about not having a sibling (the friend has separated parents and major insecurity issues, so it's not my son's problem as such). and if we don't score on the final round, at some point we will have to explain it's never going to happen. cousins, friends, school playmates: they are all good. but they're not siblings.

really all I want today is for this *&*(&^& cold to go away so I can get on with the normal life I'm supposed to have between cycles, distract myself with exercise and work on getting healthy for the final assault on Mount Baby.

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