Tuesday, November 15, 2011

driving to the coast today to surf, which I shouldn't have done but I'm glad I did...I had a talk to the universe, wondering if it was that I hadn't let myself admit that I really want this - a baby - and that's why it hasn't happened. and I confessed, aloud, that I did, and I do, and I asked if I wasn't doing everything required of me. now. now, when it's too late. (pickup of the one decent egg is scheduled for Friday, tx for Sunday if it fertilises.)

then later, there was a missed call from my breast surgeon's office. I thought it must have been about an appointment change for next year. this afternoon I finally accessed my voicemail as I'm with a new provider and it took a while.

it was a message from the actual surgeon, saying she'd like to talk to me about the "left mammogram". this is the call. it can't be. it might be. she was consulting when I rang back. now I just have to wait.

at the very least it will mean some sort of further investigations. I have an opu scheduled for Friday. at the worst, it's the worst. that's not supposed to happen.

fuck, haven't I had enough of this shit? of this surgery and fear and loss of body parts and potential children? haven't I?

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