Tuesday, April 24, 2012

another jumbled blog full of scribbled thoughts...nearly didn't blog as I think I'll probably cry but have 10 mins so... dr appt this morning. I'm in a cycle, but at 16.5fsh and a month to my 46th birthday, it's an $8000 joke. still doing it. not sure if I want to go ahead with donor eggs or not. not sure about anything. what's worse: this half-solution many years too late, going back to babyness now I'm middle aged, or the regrets? NO I DO NOT WANT YOU TO ANSWER THAT. meeting new fellow hockey mums.talking about juggling schedules. one says she should have thought it through before having 3 kids and wonders aloud if she can raffle one off. she is a very nice woman. out with my friends for drinks. one friend talking about a woman she knows who had a stillbirth and banging on about how that woman must confront it everywhere she turns. which is true. this is the same friend who came to visit me after the mastectomy and complained about trying to find a top to fit her boobs. later in the night when I mention the hockey game schedule, she insists I must go to every game: "you've only got one" she says, in a way that makes it clear that means I've got it easy. she, too, is a very nice woman and has been my friend for 25 years and I love her and we need each other and she has no idea about shit. see, I'm crying now. also this, written in bed: hope is not some soaring thing, nor even a lifeline in stormy waters. it's more of an oil spread across the troubles, a soothing, plausible "maybe" that feels as if it's in perspective but in fact is preventing me from having to even begin to comprehend the horror of what is actually likely to come to pass. that's hope. Day 5. scan Friday. shots ramped up to 175ui. seems likely pickup may be mid next week. I think for the first time I really don't believe it will work. meanwhile life is busy with Plan B grabbing me by the throat and it is not all bad of course; I chose a very interesting and busy plan B. and I could instead schedule a trip to Europe in a few months' time. speaking of Europe: dr is positive about both Spanish and US commercial donor programs. but I am very cool indeed on anonymous donation. suppose I must email the cousin who fits the profile and see what she says.

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