Monday, January 07, 2013

actually went to buy maternity bathers...too early but with my special needs in the bathers dept I thought I'd get onto it. when I got to the change rooms it went like this: girl: "you know these are maternity bathers." me: "yes I know that" girl (patronisingly, touching my arm): "that's OK, you can wear them anyway". me: (almost sotto voce) "well I'll need them". with the general implication I think that I am way too old to be pregnant, that it is unthinkable. wtf? I am 46, it's true. I'm not particularly old or young looking but I don't look completely past it. Or I don't think so. I guess she was in her 20s so anyone over 40 is ancient. still... anyway, some notes I wrote out. not positive, and knowing people are actually reading makes me hesitate, but this blog is for me really... Ambivalence. Dilemma. all those words that fail to express just how insoluble my position is. I can't have freedom and a baby. And I've only just realised how close freedome was. A is 9 and is nearly ready to do adult-type things with us. This baby will be far too young to entertain him/play with him. and it will be ten clear years - I'll be 56 - before we are even at this stage again. A will be 19. and I don't want him to stick around with his Mum and Dad and even little sibling. I want him to go out in the world: travel, work, live in student houses. I'm noticing how irritated I am lately by his little foibles and constant talking, as I never was before, and I know it's because there is now no prospect of it - child disturbance of my thoughts - ending. No matter what DH says, the burden will fall on me. five years before we even get to the stage of school I'll be 68 when it turns 21. Things I wanted to do with A - say visiting those caves in South America - now will not happen. DH will get a job and travel with a baby will become impossible in the meantime. Sleep, energy - I'm so afraid of the loss. I'm not good at loss. I can see no way of seeing this through without fucking up what was a perfectly good life. Why didn't I see that before? did I think I needed an excuse not to get a job? was I just trying to restore what I've lost, which is so long ago now, and so unrestorable? why couldn't I just mourn it, bear it? I am afraid to bear loss, to suffer. Am I weak, or have I had enough, too much already? I have been so lucky - a house, a child, food to eat, travel, leisure to write. Why did I need more? now it turns out it might not be more at all. --------- 2021. I'm 55. A is in the final year of school. #2 is in Grade 2. 10 years of school to go. + it's A's sibling, my second cousin, so partly genetically mine. Love - which will come can travel with it. can get nannies, help. I've come this far and can't reverse it if it's lost. A wants a sibling. - it's not fully mine. I'm old and it will be harder, and will be an active parent for pretty much the rest of my life now. loss of work time just feeling it's wrong; that suddenly I don't want to be pregnant lost concentration, thinking/writing tie. fears of the cancer recurring.

congrats on the HB!!
Not the same but I'll share my experience - over 40 when pregnant with #2 after IVF, #1 7ish when his little brother was born. During my pregnancy I felt so distant and questioned myself so very much, even though it was the thing I had wanted and put all my energy to for so very long (DH refused to even consider IVF for years) Right up to the birth I worried and often felt it was a mistake, what had I done? #2 is nearly 3 now and the best thing ever, he is the heart and centre of the family. The big age gap has not been anything but wonderful (#2 enjoyed like a first child but with all the experience behind us) The boys - well their relationship has it's niggles but the absolute love and enjoyment they get out of each other just makes going back to nappies and square 1 all worthwhile.

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