Tuesday, September 02, 2014

 
this is the one-year-birthday post.

it's quick because R is asleep and I have things to do. too many things really and I won't know where to start.

he is a beautiful, smart baby. he cries too much. he is still waking me at night which I am increasingly having trouble coping with. he loves me and wants me to pick him up all the time.

I know I'm: exhausted. depressed. having trouble coping. I don't want this to turn into a post about my husband, but I'm pretty much giving up on him ever showing real empathy or treating my need for help as anything other than a personal affront. I'm just hanging in there as I don't think leaving him will actually make my life any better. it's sad but there you have it.

I'm trying to get the house organised. supposedly for R's party but at some level I need to clear the decks. I need to feel that at some point I am going to be able to get on with things without clutter and crap everywhere; even that if I choose to leave, I will be able to move out swiftly and cleanly.

I am sad that all the things I am doing, which I'd looked forward to so much: baby music, brunch in a cafe, walking him through the park; are tainted by this depression, exhaustion and my grief at the destruction of the freedom and work I had achieved prior to his birth.

the baby's birthday is a big deal. but it's a different kind of milestone for me.

going to get offline and write some to-do lists. it seems to help.



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