Tuesday, March 29, 2005
that's all I need, day-old baby pictures from my cousin, who now has three boys. she's very sweet and Christian and would never hurt anyone knowingly. did I mention this should have been #2 tx week?
meanwhile, Grrl is weeping over what The Onion once called just the billionth miracle, or some such satire. funny thing is, they were right. every time, it's a miracle.
no second line.
(bugger! this was supposed to follow a long post about the pregnancy test I just took because my period is way later and menopause/metastasis are not the only possible explanations, and how I didn't want to be pg because I'm in chemo and isn't that ironic, and how the chemist told me not to take the airsickness pills I was buying if I was pg, and how I considered if I should say "but it's OK, I'll be having an abortion" and so on and so forth and it was my first ever hpt and yes it's negative. blogger ate the post.
meanwhile, Grrl is weeping over what The Onion once called just the billionth miracle, or some such satire. funny thing is, they were right. every time, it's a miracle.
no second line.
(bugger! this was supposed to follow a long post about the pregnancy test I just took because my period is way later and menopause/metastasis are not the only possible explanations, and how I didn't want to be pg because I'm in chemo and isn't that ironic, and how the chemist told me not to take the airsickness pills I was buying if I was pg, and how I considered if I should say "but it's OK, I'll be having an abortion" and so on and so forth and it was my first ever hpt and yes it's negative. blogger ate the post.
this post should take about five minutes to write. which is long enough for the pregnancy test to develop. it's so ironic that on a ttc blog, I'm praying for a neg. it's also likely to be a neg - we've had sex twice since my last period on Feb 4, once with a condom and once before I could possibly have ovulated. but with a cycle as reliable as mine, this delay, even with the alternative explanations of menopause/metastasis to the ovaries, is scary. I've had a chemo this cycle. I have three more, plus radio, to go. I can't be pregnant.
at the chemist (not my local, as it happens; deliberate? who knows), the assistant felt moved, as I'd expected, to warn me not to take the air sickness pills I was buying if the test I was also buying came up positive. what could I have said? "it's OK, I'll be having an abortion anyway if I'm pregnant"? and of course all the associated cancer explanations...
at the chemist (not my local, as it happens; deliberate? who knows), the assistant felt moved, as I'd expected, to warn me not to take the air sickness pills I was buying if the test I was also buying came up positive. what could I have said? "it's OK, I'll be having an abortion anyway if I'm pregnant"? and of course all the associated cancer explanations...
this post should take about five minutes to write. which is long enough for the pregnancy test to develop. it's so ironic that on a ttc blog, I'm praying for a neg. it's also likely to be a neg - we've had sex twice since my last period on Feb 4, once with a condom and once before I could possibly have ovulated. but with a cycle as reliable as mine, this delay, even with the alternative explanations of menopause/metastasis to the ovaries, is scary. I've had a chemo this cycle. I have three more, plus radio, to go. I can't be pregnant.
at the chemist (not my local, as it happens; deliberate? who knows), the assistant felt moved, as I'd expected, to warn me not to take the air sickness pills I was buying if the test I was also buying came up positive. what could I have said? "it's OK, I'll be having an abortion anyway if I'm pregnant"? and of course all the associated cancer explanations...
at the chemist (not my local, as it happens; deliberate? who knows), the assistant felt moved, as I'd expected, to warn me not to take the air sickness pills I was buying if the test I was also buying came up positive. what could I have said? "it's OK, I'll be having an abortion anyway if I'm pregnant"? and of course all the associated cancer explanations...
Sunday, March 20, 2005
toy boy:
16 months and one week:
mummy*
daddy*
car*
b.*
flowers*
fish*
childcare
bath
bread
na-na (banana)*
hat
shoes
dance
no*
keyboard
tree
kiss
"help mummy" (dressing)
dum-dum*
nappy*
Playschool*
television*
mouth
ball
frog
starfish
beetle
A (of course,his own name)*
table
"what's this?"
lantern*
stick'h
"where's your (lantern, etc)"
chair
spoon
muesli
book*
tunnel
outside
drink
bye-bye*
thank-you*
rabbits*
"give to (mummy)"
pram
of course he doesn't say all of these. he's had a go at these ones (*) and shown some understanding of the rest, plus a few names of friends, grandparents, etc
mummy*
daddy*
car*
b.*
flowers*
fish*
childcare
bath
bread
na-na (banana)*
hat
shoes
dance
no*
keyboard
tree
kiss
"help mummy" (dressing)
dum-dum*
nappy*
Playschool*
television*
mouth
ball
frog
starfish
beetle
A (of course,his own name)*
table
"what's this?"
lantern*
stick'h
"where's your (lantern, etc)"
chair
spoon
muesli
book*
tunnel
outside
drink
bye-bye*
thank-you*
rabbits*
"give to (mummy)"
pram
of course he doesn't say all of these. he's had a go at these ones (*) and shown some understanding of the rest, plus a few names of friends, grandparents, etc
Friday, March 18, 2005
a male ttc blogger! who, judging by a hair regrowth comment, has a cancer-affected partner. oh, we're out there all right. how narrow can I make the subgroup, I wonder? just breast cancer? just secondary infertility? just secondary where the first baby was IVF? probably thousands of women, even if I limited it to that category. my embies might narrow it down a bit more, as does my age. but what's the difference. he's right. we're all baby hungry.
my sil's sister is dying of cancer - melanoma, in all corners of her body. I love my sil and her three kids and my brother. but I've stopped calling them. because they want to tell me how her sister's doing, what the brain surgery did to her, about her pain relief, etc. they just don't get it; the girl with non-metastatic cancer may just be a bit squeamish about the one with extensive metastasis. but it's her dear sister and I can't say "shut up". dropped a hint to my parents and I hope that will get through.
similarly, the woman in my mother's group who has just, quite complainingly, brought forth her second child? I know she has problems with PND and not much social support. but I'm giving myself permission (how American of me) to not be the one supporting her. listening to someone complain about the hardships of two babies would be more than I could do graciously right now.
similarly, the woman in my mother's group who has just, quite complainingly, brought forth her second child? I know she has problems with PND and not much social support. but I'm giving myself permission (how American of me) to not be the one supporting her. listening to someone complain about the hardships of two babies would be more than I could do graciously right now.
funny, I don't mind if I get another boy. never have. but if I don't get another baby, it'll be the little girls that get to me. I guess what I want is the chance. and if we don't get another, I won't ever know if that was what life held for me.
funny, I don't mind if I get another boy. never have. but if I don't get another baby, it'll be the little girls that get to me. I guess what I want is the chance. and if we don't get another, I won't ever know if that was what life held for me.
oh, and if anyone knows how I can stop thinking about how I'd be doing tx #1 for baby #2 either today or early next week if I didn't have cancer and if my period hadn't stopped in its tracks, please tell me. I think this is where it starts to get hard...
some days are better than others, I guess. I'll leave it up to you which you think this has been...
A. is saying "mummy" quite clearly now. Also the dog's name and "daddy". and "car". but it's the mummy that gets to me. of course.
A. is saying "mummy" quite clearly now. Also the dog's name and "daddy". and "car". but it's the mummy that gets to me. of course.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
cancer, baby has added me to her blogroll. my first infertility due to cancer link! woo-hoo!
finally got chemo'd on Tuesday. will not bother with long explanation of why it took so long. so it looks like we might get our Asian holiday after all. and all my AC's are OVER!
A is saying "car" like there's no tomorrow. such a boy.
and blogger is being weird. so this post may not stick. and I've had to hand tool my link. too hard. giving up for now.
finally got chemo'd on Tuesday. will not bother with long explanation of why it took so long. so it looks like we might get our Asian holiday after all. and all my AC's are OVER!
A is saying "car" like there's no tomorrow. such a boy.
and blogger is being weird. so this post may not stick. and I've had to hand tool my link. too hard. giving up for now.
Friday, March 11, 2005
positive thought for today: at least my infertility will no longer be unexplained.
oh, I'm funny today all right. my period is also a week late. this never happens. no, I am not pregnant. it must be menopause. ha. ha. ha. not.
oh, I'm funny today all right. my period is also a week late. this never happens. no, I am not pregnant. it must be menopause. ha. ha. ha. not.
baby is in care and I'm supposed to be writing. but I'm blogging.
visiting Cancer, Baby who also "forgets" she had cancer. is that like the other thing I do, where I think to myself "when everything's back to normal", like my breast will grow back and the drs will say "ok, go ahead, have a baby" and I somehow will have the Clayton's menopause where I have no oestrogen but also no symptoms?
and of course the inimitable grrl, who says: I think you just reach a point where you know, where you can see yourself living a certain life, where you look at the road ahead of you and think, I can do this.
that's kind of how I feel about getting that second baby out of the freezer one day. surrogacy is still an iffy question, but there is no doubt in my mind that as long as the cancer doesn't get me, I'll have that baby. If I have to have it at 44, so be it. I figure I'll just have to stay healthy to cope with a baby as an old mum, and that it will, like A., be worth every second of the wait. it's the thing that sustains me, knowing that will happen.
visiting Cancer, Baby who also "forgets" she had cancer. is that like the other thing I do, where I think to myself "when everything's back to normal", like my breast will grow back and the drs will say "ok, go ahead, have a baby" and I somehow will have the Clayton's menopause where I have no oestrogen but also no symptoms?
and of course the inimitable grrl, who says: I think you just reach a point where you know, where you can see yourself living a certain life, where you look at the road ahead of you and think, I can do this.
that's kind of how I feel about getting that second baby out of the freezer one day. surrogacy is still an iffy question, but there is no doubt in my mind that as long as the cancer doesn't get me, I'll have that baby. If I have to have it at 44, so be it. I figure I'll just have to stay healthy to cope with a baby as an old mum, and that it will, like A., be worth every second of the wait. it's the thing that sustains me, knowing that will happen.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
so I was reading in the paper about male role models for boys and came across this: that no matter what else, teenage males wish to make sure their mothers get no information at all about their lives. oh yes, the future is bright.
ah, he screams in the other room. right, I'll teach him to keep stuff from his mum. I'll leave him there while I finish this post.
we have made the great trek to Ikea. now he has an art table, pencils and paper. so far he's just made scribbles on the table. what creativity.
ah, he screams in the other room. right, I'll teach him to keep stuff from his mum. I'll leave him there while I finish this post.
we have made the great trek to Ikea. now he has an art table, pencils and paper. so far he's just made scribbles on the table. what creativity.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
failed my blood test yet again. next week I’ll be three weeks late. this is getting seriously old.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
talk about child prodigies! no, he's not playing piano or reading at just under 16 months (though he does know how to turn the TV on, sort of). he is, in fact, doing HOUSEWORK! today he hung his first sock on the indoor clothes horse. yes, I have great hopes for my child.
Friday, March 04, 2005
once famous for being sacked, dooce.com is now a Mom (has been for a while, but hey, I've been busy).
a sample: "It felt like we were sharing a table with a raccoon, a vengeful raccoon that’s just too cute to shoot. She destroyed two menus and threw forks, spoons, crackers, cups, and crayons on the floor. Every time she dropped something she would watch it drop as if she was waiting for an explosion and when the sound it made wasn’t annoying enough she’d reach for something else. My mother just sat there and laughed while I tried to hold both of Leta’s arms to her side. That’s when Leta tried to use her forehead to knock a menu off the table."
I wish I blogged like that. A. is that funny. he puts socks on his head when I say "hat". he makes a noise like a bell striking when he sees a dog - "oh, oh", in perfect baby pitch. he dances when I say "dance". but I just never seem to get around to telling the stories. yep, I've been busy.
a sample: "It felt like we were sharing a table with a raccoon, a vengeful raccoon that’s just too cute to shoot. She destroyed two menus and threw forks, spoons, crackers, cups, and crayons on the floor. Every time she dropped something she would watch it drop as if she was waiting for an explosion and when the sound it made wasn’t annoying enough she’d reach for something else. My mother just sat there and laughed while I tried to hold both of Leta’s arms to her side. That’s when Leta tried to use her forehead to knock a menu off the table."
I wish I blogged like that. A. is that funny. he puts socks on his head when I say "hat". he makes a noise like a bell striking when he sees a dog - "oh, oh", in perfect baby pitch. he dances when I say "dance". but I just never seem to get around to telling the stories. yep, I've been busy.
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