Monday, January 30, 2006
meanwhile, bloody Playschool is doing breastfeeding women and a jigsaw of a woman with a baby inside her. which is making me even more emotional. if I didn't know better, I'd think I had PMT.
funny thing about that: sometimes I miss the blood. you wouldn't think so, would you? but I got used to that monthly flow, the sight of my own blood, the sign of my animal nature. or something.
funny thing about that: sometimes I miss the blood. you wouldn't think so, would you? but I got used to that monthly flow, the sight of my own blood, the sign of my animal nature. or something.
if you have kids, it's impossible to read this story and this website without breaking into tears. cancer's one thing; kids with cancer is just pure evil.
if you want to donate to their fighting fund, the bank details (for Australians) are under "contact" and there's a postal address as well.
if you want to donate to their fighting fund, the bank details (for Australians) are under "contact" and there's a postal address as well.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
ova girl is not having twins any more. but bub #1 is fine, from the sound of it. what a shit of an experience to have to go through.
me? oh, just getting on with stuff. trying not to worry about cancer. had a day off from being a mum to go up the country and achieve some needed chores at the country place. trying to write, while also cook/mother/be a friend in need/etc.
A saw his maternal grandparents today. it makes me happy to see how much they love each other. the grandparents and A, not the grandparents and each other. though they are pretty cute in that married-50-years kind of way.
me? oh, just getting on with stuff. trying not to worry about cancer. had a day off from being a mum to go up the country and achieve some needed chores at the country place. trying to write, while also cook/mother/be a friend in need/etc.
A saw his maternal grandparents today. it makes me happy to see how much they love each other. the grandparents and A, not the grandparents and each other. though they are pretty cute in that married-50-years kind of way.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
so I ring a mothers' group friend to see if her dh can come around with the big car to jumpstart ours: and she tells me, in confidence, that she's pregnant too. she has had at least one mc that I know of trying for #2. she deserves another. but don't I too?
not very happy today; too much plastic surgeon and gp for treatment, not enough baby.
not very happy today; too much plastic surgeon and gp for treatment, not enough baby.
quick second opinion plastic surgeon report: what a bizarre experience it is, too, to be sitting on a doctor's bench while he sits in a chair with his eyes about level with one's (half-naked) bellybutton and discusses what to do.
basically, he thinks we might have a chance with an insert, despite the irradiated state of my skin. possible, even, that we could just pop one in without pre-stretching. but there could be complications, then we'd have to go all the way to the various "flap" options, all of which are a lot more surgery, longer recovery time, etc.
he warned me that they couldn't get the natural droop of the breast to match the left side, especially on the top half. I said that was OK, as long as it would plump up the same way in a bra. what's not OK, in my opinion, is the possibility that an implant-only (ie, no new skin imported) solution could mean no nipple reconstruction. the thought of a blind breast-shaped lump of plastic flesh kind of offends me a lot more than the same thing with a "nipple" on it. (oh, but they can make me a little prosthetic nipple that I can attach with glue for "certain special occasions" whatever they are)
and near the end of the consultation he took a long call in which he discussed how to reconnect the nerves in a patient's hand. did you know they use Superglue to attach the electrodes to the head? and use wave form readings to check if they've got it right? fascinating but time consuming eavesdropping.
meanwhile, my car's broken down (no, actually the battery's flat because I let A play in it and he turned the interior lights on) and I'm catching taxis everywhere, and it's hot and my GP was running late so I came home, but I can't do the other errands while A's in childcare because I have no car and it's too hot to ride my bike. hooray for Internet timewasting.
basically, he thinks we might have a chance with an insert, despite the irradiated state of my skin. possible, even, that we could just pop one in without pre-stretching. but there could be complications, then we'd have to go all the way to the various "flap" options, all of which are a lot more surgery, longer recovery time, etc.
he warned me that they couldn't get the natural droop of the breast to match the left side, especially on the top half. I said that was OK, as long as it would plump up the same way in a bra. what's not OK, in my opinion, is the possibility that an implant-only (ie, no new skin imported) solution could mean no nipple reconstruction. the thought of a blind breast-shaped lump of plastic flesh kind of offends me a lot more than the same thing with a "nipple" on it. (oh, but they can make me a little prosthetic nipple that I can attach with glue for "certain special occasions" whatever they are)
and near the end of the consultation he took a long call in which he discussed how to reconnect the nerves in a patient's hand. did you know they use Superglue to attach the electrodes to the head? and use wave form readings to check if they've got it right? fascinating but time consuming eavesdropping.
meanwhile, my car's broken down (no, actually the battery's flat because I let A play in it and he turned the interior lights on) and I'm catching taxis everywhere, and it's hot and my GP was running late so I came home, but I can't do the other errands while A's in childcare because I have no car and it's too hot to ride my bike. hooray for Internet timewasting.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
If there's one thing I'm learning in all this, it's the reality of embodiment;: that a physical being, grown from bits of my body, can be as wonderful in spirit as a child; that if my body fails me, I will end (and don't give me any God stuff); that fear lives in the gut; and most of all that love lives in the throat, because that's where I feel it when I look at him and think about how lucky I am to be his mother.
(also that I should save posts more often; before you get all mushy about my golden love-filled life, know that as I started to type "mother", my computer froze, A fell over and started to scream, I lost the whole post and had to copy it down by hand. so another lesson: learning to touch-type was one of the best things I ever did.)
(also that I should save posts more often; before you get all mushy about my golden love-filled life, know that as I started to type "mother", my computer froze, A fell over and started to scream, I lost the whole post and had to copy it down by hand. so another lesson: learning to touch-type was one of the best things I ever did.)
Friday, January 13, 2006
a maddeningly frustrating morning of post-redundancy bureaucracy. you don't want to know about it. so three hours after A. went down for his morning nap, I've done almost no writing work, or anything else useful. children make you value the time you have much more than when you don't have them and all your time is totally your own. of course you could say the same about cancer.
mothers' group update: another pregnancy. I've been pretty good about the babies born this year, but for some reason, now I'm past my own second-baby-might-have-been date, I found it even harder to be happy for her. though she has had her own problems and deserves it as much as anyone.
it also looks like, to get childcare for A on Monday evenings while I'm at uni this semester, I'll have to care for someone else's two daughters while she teaches on Wednesday evenings. there's a certain synergy there, but to be honest, I'd have preferred to pay someone to do it. the only candidate, though, is working a proper job now and can't commit.
it's going to be a flat-out 12 weeks of term.
mothers' group update: another pregnancy. I've been pretty good about the babies born this year, but for some reason, now I'm past my own second-baby-might-have-been date, I found it even harder to be happy for her. though she has had her own problems and deserves it as much as anyone.
it also looks like, to get childcare for A on Monday evenings while I'm at uni this semester, I'll have to care for someone else's two daughters while she teaches on Wednesday evenings. there's a certain synergy there, but to be honest, I'd have preferred to pay someone to do it. the only candidate, though, is working a proper job now and can't commit.
it's going to be a flat-out 12 weeks of term.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
current pea in the princess's life is a tiny potential lump in the lower half of my left breast (my only breast, but who's counting?)
yes, I had a mammogram and ultrasound only two months ago. but my hand keeps going back to that spot, and I can see a slight indentation over it.
no doubt it's nothing. and yes, I keep finding things like this to worry about. the fact remains that at any moment, I could be back in hospital again, recovering from another round of surgery. or worse, I could be hearing the news that surgery is not an option.
I'm relaxing a little. my life is becoming looser. I'm doing more things that are nonessential. but I'm still waiting for that shoe to drop.
yes, I had a mammogram and ultrasound only two months ago. but my hand keeps going back to that spot, and I can see a slight indentation over it.
no doubt it's nothing. and yes, I keep finding things like this to worry about. the fact remains that at any moment, I could be back in hospital again, recovering from another round of surgery. or worse, I could be hearing the news that surgery is not an option.
I'm relaxing a little. my life is becoming looser. I'm doing more things that are nonessential. but I'm still waiting for that shoe to drop.
that's it. I'm moving my babybaby email to gmail. Hotmail has deleted my whole inbox for the last time.
hey guys? JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CHECK MY MAIL FOR A MONTH DOESN'T MEAN I WANT IT ALL WIPED. OK?
like, I've been busy. we've been away up the country. there's been no childcare, and dh is not a complete substitute, as I feel I have to book in any free time. and I'm setting up another blog, one I hope may even make me money. and and and.
fume
in fact, let's do it right now: babybaby is already taken, but at Hotmail I was ababybaby; so it's ababybaby(AT)gmail.com
say hello if you like.
hey guys? JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CHECK MY MAIL FOR A MONTH DOESN'T MEAN I WANT IT ALL WIPED. OK?
like, I've been busy. we've been away up the country. there's been no childcare, and dh is not a complete substitute, as I feel I have to book in any free time. and I'm setting up another blog, one I hope may even make me money. and and and.
fume
in fact, let's do it right now: babybaby is already taken, but at Hotmail I was ababybaby; so it's ababybaby(AT)gmail.com
say hello if you like.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
one thing about all this: though I may be wistful about him growing up, I will be able to balance that with my pleasure at being there at all. so when he turns 21, I won't wish myself back here. I'll just be congratulating myself on the random accident of my survival. I hope.
Monday, January 02, 2006
New Year's Eve: hot as all hell here, 42 degrees (that's celsius for you northerners) at 6pm. but we put ourselves in the pram (well, A), and got on the free tram into the city to see the free fireworks at 9.15. the usual pointing and amazement I'm coming to expect from a first experience of something amazing. then we were all in bed by 10.30 am; lucky, as he's reverted to the 5.30-6am wakeups. I am staggering around trying to make new year's resolutions about weight loss, fitness, writing, focussing on what really matters, while my behaviour (blobbing with magazines, basically) conveys the opposite. isn't that what New Year's is all about.
right now A is talking to the TV ("bye bye train") while we try to pack the car for a couple of days in the country. which means cleaning, but I hope also some reading and walks down bush roads.
right now A is talking to the TV ("bye bye train") while we try to pack the car for a couple of days in the country. which means cleaning, but I hope also some reading and walks down bush roads.
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