Monday, November 21, 2011
not a great weekend.
call from dr while I was at my parents' place. emby formed but was no good. three nuclei or dna strands or something. she said "they only put one sperm in" which makes me wonder if they put two in.
so I was devastated. Dh had forgotten to put a bag in the car that I'd asked him to five minutes before we left. I had to ask him or walk back and forth with heavy bags, the post-opu discomfort was pretty bad.
of course he hadn't. and it had my bathers in it. and all I wanted, so much, was to get in the water as soon as we got away from my family. and it was 1 1/2 hours drive to home, hungry and in distress. and he made it all about me "putting a guilt trip on him". and didn't even ask, once, what the dr had said though he knew she'd called (he claimed I'd said I'd tell him later, but I didn't. he misheard the doctor's name, but anyway, he could have showed an interest once we got away from family.
so I basically wept and raged all the way home, particularly once the kid was asleep in the back. dh refused to discuss my anger - basically said we had to talk about it later, and I so needed help and sympathy then, in that car, that minute.
and between that, Hong kong and the lack of care and interest during the emby transfers last year, I've realised I cannot, and shouldn't have, relied on him to take care of me when I'm sick, under pressure or distressed. he makes me ask for help, which I resent, and then he interprets my less than gracious requests as a criticism, and of course his pride is more important than maybe just helping me.
he could have treated this whole thing as a chance to prove he wasn't the person he was in hong kong, that I could trust him with my life and my needs.
but I can't. not now, not ever. I'm in this alone, for life.
and I wonder if we will get even one emby worth transferring, let alone one that will implant. and the process is getting more physically painful, time-consuming and hopeless as it goes on. but what else is there for me to do. give up hope altogether? give up my daughter, the one I still dream of, or Alexander's little brother?
going to stop now before I cry again. got work to do. work is a saviour sometimes.
call from dr while I was at my parents' place. emby formed but was no good. three nuclei or dna strands or something. she said "they only put one sperm in" which makes me wonder if they put two in.
so I was devastated. Dh had forgotten to put a bag in the car that I'd asked him to five minutes before we left. I had to ask him or walk back and forth with heavy bags, the post-opu discomfort was pretty bad.
of course he hadn't. and it had my bathers in it. and all I wanted, so much, was to get in the water as soon as we got away from my family. and it was 1 1/2 hours drive to home, hungry and in distress. and he made it all about me "putting a guilt trip on him". and didn't even ask, once, what the dr had said though he knew she'd called (he claimed I'd said I'd tell him later, but I didn't. he misheard the doctor's name, but anyway, he could have showed an interest once we got away from family.
so I basically wept and raged all the way home, particularly once the kid was asleep in the back. dh refused to discuss my anger - basically said we had to talk about it later, and I so needed help and sympathy then, in that car, that minute.
and between that, Hong kong and the lack of care and interest during the emby transfers last year, I've realised I cannot, and shouldn't have, relied on him to take care of me when I'm sick, under pressure or distressed. he makes me ask for help, which I resent, and then he interprets my less than gracious requests as a criticism, and of course his pride is more important than maybe just helping me.
he could have treated this whole thing as a chance to prove he wasn't the person he was in hong kong, that I could trust him with my life and my needs.
but I can't. not now, not ever. I'm in this alone, for life.
and I wonder if we will get even one emby worth transferring, let alone one that will implant. and the process is getting more physically painful, time-consuming and hopeless as it goes on. but what else is there for me to do. give up hope altogether? give up my daughter, the one I still dream of, or Alexander's little brother?
going to stop now before I cry again. got work to do. work is a saviour sometimes.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
quick opu report.
stupid fasting, scan at 8, met naturopath who has quit work but wanted to give me my herbs at 9.30....into clinic at 10, opu 10:40.
cannulation uncomfortable, but at least I went under properly this time and wasn't conscious like last time. very sore abdomen, walking slowly, slept for two hours on and off in the afternoon.
there were two follicles, but only one egg. don't know why yet.
will get a call sometime today giving me a tx time. this will not guarantee that there is an emby. they are doing icsi but it still may not bel clear if there's an emby until tomorrow.
sigh. dh said in the car going home yesterday that he felt optimistic about this one. I pointed out that that was only because there was so little hope a month ago.
still, at present time there is 1 egg, a couple of hundred million - accordion to Wikipedia! - sperm - and no news puts us in the "maybe" box.
odd that now and for all the 2wws, if I don't get pregnant, I'm not pregnant now - but if I do get pregnant, I am pregnant now, technically. as pregnant as you can be when your egg is 5 kilometres away...
stupid fasting, scan at 8, met naturopath who has quit work but wanted to give me my herbs at 9.30....into clinic at 10, opu 10:40.
cannulation uncomfortable, but at least I went under properly this time and wasn't conscious like last time. very sore abdomen, walking slowly, slept for two hours on and off in the afternoon.
there were two follicles, but only one egg. don't know why yet.
will get a call sometime today giving me a tx time. this will not guarantee that there is an emby. they are doing icsi but it still may not bel clear if there's an emby until tomorrow.
sigh. dh said in the car going home yesterday that he felt optimistic about this one. I pointed out that that was only because there was so little hope a month ago.
still, at present time there is 1 egg, a couple of hundred million - accordion to Wikipedia! - sperm - and no news puts us in the "maybe" box.
odd that now and for all the 2wws, if I don't get pregnant, I'm not pregnant now - but if I do get pregnant, I am pregnant now, technically. as pregnant as you can be when your egg is 5 kilometres away...
Thursday, November 17, 2011
damn fucking MRI...stupid one hour drive there, 45 minutes back. noise. discomfort. humiliation. more noise. lying still on my front with my arms extended for 35 minutes until my right arm goes to sleep so badly it hurts, then goes utterly dead.
fucking stupid. can I just say that?
anyway it was fine, completely clear, blah blah. score one for surgeon, zero for panic merchant radiologists.
of course as I said to dh, I'm now back where I was on Tuesday morning. but it makes me feel a bit more optimistic. maybe this is a turning point. maybe the pickup will work, there'll be an emby and I'll get pregnant.
damn stupid waste of time when I could be WORKING! have a book to finish.
mutter...not dying...mutter.
fucking stupid. can I just say that?
anyway it was fine, completely clear, blah blah. score one for surgeon, zero for panic merchant radiologists.
of course as I said to dh, I'm now back where I was on Tuesday morning. but it makes me feel a bit more optimistic. maybe this is a turning point. maybe the pickup will work, there'll be an emby and I'll get pregnant.
damn stupid waste of time when I could be WORKING! have a book to finish.
mutter...not dying...mutter.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
eight cycles: four weeks each of oestrogen tablets, and two weeks of progesterone pessaries.
I am spinning. tearful, afraid, anxious. spinning. and I know this feeling from seven years ago. I'd forgotten it, but here it is.
driving to the coast today to surf, which I shouldn't have done but I'm glad I did...I had a talk to the universe, wondering if it was that I hadn't let myself admit that I really want this - a baby - and that's why it hasn't happened. and I confessed, aloud, that I did, and I do, and I asked if I wasn't doing everything required of me. now. now, when it's too late. (pickup of the one decent egg is scheduled for Friday, tx for Sunday if it fertilises.)
then later, there was a missed call from my breast surgeon's office. I thought it must have been about an appointment change for next year. this afternoon I finally accessed my voicemail as I'm with a new provider and it took a while.
it was a message from the actual surgeon, saying she'd like to talk to me about the "left mammogram". this is the call. it can't be. it might be. she was consulting when I rang back. now I just have to wait.
at the very least it will mean some sort of further investigations. I have an opu scheduled for Friday. at the worst, it's the worst. that's not supposed to happen.
fuck, haven't I had enough of this shit? of this surgery and fear and loss of body parts and potential children? haven't I?
then later, there was a missed call from my breast surgeon's office. I thought it must have been about an appointment change for next year. this afternoon I finally accessed my voicemail as I'm with a new provider and it took a while.
it was a message from the actual surgeon, saying she'd like to talk to me about the "left mammogram". this is the call. it can't be. it might be. she was consulting when I rang back. now I just have to wait.
at the very least it will mean some sort of further investigations. I have an opu scheduled for Friday. at the worst, it's the worst. that's not supposed to happen.
fuck, haven't I had enough of this shit? of this surgery and fear and loss of body parts and potential children? haven't I?
Saturday, November 12, 2011
eight years ago today I had a baby.
seven years ago today I was told I had cancer.
I am still alive. My boy is eight and loves Lego. My ovaries hurt.
these are all pertinent facts of my life. as is a four-hour party this afternoon, w. a megataxi ride, arcade games, pancake parlour meal and then inlaws in the evening...
seven years ago today I was told I had cancer.
I am still alive. My boy is eight and loves Lego. My ovaries hurt.
these are all pertinent facts of my life. as is a four-hour party this afternoon, w. a megataxi ride, arcade games, pancake parlour meal and then inlaws in the evening...
Thursday, November 10, 2011
ouch. the frozen cycles were a few thousand dollars, with about $800 out of pocket thanks to health insurance covering the hospital component (they don't cover the IVF but Medicare does, mostly)
but this cycle - full IVF with ICSI because my Dr is throwing everything at us, it seems, is a total of 8,000-plus. after rebates we will be paying $3,360. husband does not know this yet. husband already thinks we spend too much. but frankly there is money invested that he can draw on and if it means one less ocean cruise when we're old, well tough.
but gee wouldn't it be nice to get a baby out of all this? :(
first hormone shot last night, puzzling out the complicated needle system. then had to spend an hour of work time going in to get more of the magic naturopath tonic. lots of acupuncture next week, a scan booked. might as well kiss my book deadline goodbye.
gee, wouldn't it be nice....
but this cycle - full IVF with ICSI because my Dr is throwing everything at us, it seems, is a total of 8,000-plus. after rebates we will be paying $3,360. husband does not know this yet. husband already thinks we spend too much. but frankly there is money invested that he can draw on and if it means one less ocean cruise when we're old, well tough.
but gee wouldn't it be nice to get a baby out of all this? :(
first hormone shot last night, puzzling out the complicated needle system. then had to spend an hour of work time going in to get more of the magic naturopath tonic. lots of acupuncture next week, a scan booked. might as well kiss my book deadline goodbye.
gee, wouldn't it be nice....
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
well. interesting. rather pleasing, as far as straws in a tsunami of bad news go...
blood test this morning, feeling depressed about the waste of time etc (2 flat bike tyres, a return home for more tubes and a rainstorm on the way in - I looked like a drowned rat in the waiting room!).
but the nurse called just now and said I have a fsh of 16. this is of course ridiculously high. dr had said "15 or lower" but she's letting me go ahead. all I know is that I have cleared one hurdle.
so maybe the herbs and pills and acupuncture work. I mean, my last 2 readings were 23.5 and 25. 16 is really good, comparatively. and the main thing is that I am now officially in a cycle. I have a scan next Monday morning at 7 (!) am and will know then if I get to egg collection, let alone transfer.
nearly out of the special herbal gunk. got to stretch it out until I get more Thursday afternoon.
fsh 16 and 45 years old. for some people this would be unthinkable. for me, it's a tiny ray of hope. and I *know* hope is crack with a hell of a comedown. but I'm basking in it for a moment.
blood test this morning, feeling depressed about the waste of time etc (2 flat bike tyres, a return home for more tubes and a rainstorm on the way in - I looked like a drowned rat in the waiting room!).
but the nurse called just now and said I have a fsh of 16. this is of course ridiculously high. dr had said "15 or lower" but she's letting me go ahead. all I know is that I have cleared one hurdle.
so maybe the herbs and pills and acupuncture work. I mean, my last 2 readings were 23.5 and 25. 16 is really good, comparatively. and the main thing is that I am now officially in a cycle. I have a scan next Monday morning at 7 (!) am and will know then if I get to egg collection, let alone transfer.
nearly out of the special herbal gunk. got to stretch it out until I get more Thursday afternoon.
fsh 16 and 45 years old. for some people this would be unthinkable. for me, it's a tiny ray of hope. and I *know* hope is crack with a hell of a comedown. but I'm basking in it for a moment.
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