Tuesday, January 30, 2007
while sulking at dh for yet another bout of idiocy on his part, went and saw Marie Antoinette. it was really very good, clearly Sofia Coppola's take on the 80s, when she was very young. there was a scene in which poor Marie, unable to bear a child because her husband is a milksop, has to congratulate her sil on the birth of a son. she then walks down a corridor to hisses of "give us an heir" from the crowd, gets behind a closed door and collapses. I was a bit teary, but a woman up the back of the cinema was openly sobbing - spot the infertile or ex-infertile woman.
today at the market I saw a crowd of people around a bus. the bus was Defence Force, loaded with young men. some of the women had kids, and were crying. I thought it was a pity, if these boys were, as it seemed, going somewhere dangerous (there were parents, aunties, all types; not just off on a training camp), that the farewell had to be done in a nothing little sidestreet outside a bus depot like that. some of the older women even took photos of the bus as it waited at the lights to turn right. no Australian soldiers have died in combat in Iraq yet, but it's not just another day at the office, is it?
surgeon checkup today too. all OK - more concerned about the oncologist and his blood tests in April - dh didn't even think to ask how it went, and even though it's understood that if I'm out quickly there's nothing to tell, it would have been nice of him to ask.
on Sunday I went up the country and back in a day, to check on some work being done. on the freeway close to home I noticed a man in a car, in a white shirt and suit on a Sunday, checking me out. nah, I thought, he isn't. don't be silly. but he took the turnoff I take and while he was stopped in front of me, ostentatiously checked his mirror and me several times. then he pulled up alongside at a couple of lights, and was looking over at me; I thought it all very cute and was smiling but not giving any more away.
when he turned off up the street that leads to my street, I chickened out and kept going, coming back another way. if I'd followed, he would have been entitled to think I was following him. still, it tickled my gills to be flirted with by a dark-haired stranger. it's been a while since anyone flirted properly with me. sigh.
today at the market I saw a crowd of people around a bus. the bus was Defence Force, loaded with young men. some of the women had kids, and were crying. I thought it was a pity, if these boys were, as it seemed, going somewhere dangerous (there were parents, aunties, all types; not just off on a training camp), that the farewell had to be done in a nothing little sidestreet outside a bus depot like that. some of the older women even took photos of the bus as it waited at the lights to turn right. no Australian soldiers have died in combat in Iraq yet, but it's not just another day at the office, is it?
surgeon checkup today too. all OK - more concerned about the oncologist and his blood tests in April - dh didn't even think to ask how it went, and even though it's understood that if I'm out quickly there's nothing to tell, it would have been nice of him to ask.
on Sunday I went up the country and back in a day, to check on some work being done. on the freeway close to home I noticed a man in a car, in a white shirt and suit on a Sunday, checking me out. nah, I thought, he isn't. don't be silly. but he took the turnoff I take and while he was stopped in front of me, ostentatiously checked his mirror and me several times. then he pulled up alongside at a couple of lights, and was looking over at me; I thought it all very cute and was smiling but not giving any more away.
when he turned off up the street that leads to my street, I chickened out and kept going, coming back another way. if I'd followed, he would have been entitled to think I was following him. still, it tickled my gills to be flirted with by a dark-haired stranger. it's been a while since anyone flirted properly with me. sigh.
Monday, January 22, 2007
personal conflict dept: I have these annoying neighbours over the road. they walk everywhere. he comes home early to help w. the kids. she sat in my lounge room and banged on about how she just accidentally got pg when she was pg and I was exhausted with a four-month-old born by IVF. they had a second child around the time I wanted to. you get the idea.
this morning I walked the dog to the bread shop; noticed the wife there and so took a path home that wouldn't cross hers (hard as she lives across the road from me). she is the single most self-obsessed person I know, despite not fitting the cliched mould of a blond who's had work done. she just turns every conversation back to herself. she's probably really very nice, but I am just over having my time wasted by anyone.
the husband, who draws a public service wage but also runs some sort of counselling service, was in their front garden, cuddling the baby, who is about nine months - one year. I called out hello, politely enough. He said "have you seen little Ingrid?" (the baby) and I'm afraid I didn't cross the road as the comment clearly invited. I was afraid the wife would arrive any second and trap me in a meaningless conversation, and I have masses of work to do. so I called back "yes, a few times", which is true, then added "sorry, I have to work". he was like, oh, OK.
this is exactly the kind of thing I have consciously decided to do: not waste my precious time on people/things that are meaningless to me. but some inner parent is telling me off for my rudeness and unneighbourliness.
there is, sometimes, no solution that suits everyone. and I'd rather be rude and guilty than lose the time I have to big nothings (in this case, too, I really do have work to do that I should be doing right now: boring paid work, but work all the same).
this morning I walked the dog to the bread shop; noticed the wife there and so took a path home that wouldn't cross hers (hard as she lives across the road from me). she is the single most self-obsessed person I know, despite not fitting the cliched mould of a blond who's had work done. she just turns every conversation back to herself. she's probably really very nice, but I am just over having my time wasted by anyone.
the husband, who draws a public service wage but also runs some sort of counselling service, was in their front garden, cuddling the baby, who is about nine months - one year. I called out hello, politely enough. He said "have you seen little Ingrid?" (the baby) and I'm afraid I didn't cross the road as the comment clearly invited. I was afraid the wife would arrive any second and trap me in a meaningless conversation, and I have masses of work to do. so I called back "yes, a few times", which is true, then added "sorry, I have to work". he was like, oh, OK.
this is exactly the kind of thing I have consciously decided to do: not waste my precious time on people/things that are meaningless to me. but some inner parent is telling me off for my rudeness and unneighbourliness.
there is, sometimes, no solution that suits everyone. and I'd rather be rude and guilty than lose the time I have to big nothings (in this case, too, I really do have work to do that I should be doing right now: boring paid work, but work all the same).
Friday, January 19, 2007
post from Wed when blogger was down:
headachey day, which ain't helping get the work done.
also A's first day at "little kindy", really another childcare centre with a kinder program. he will go there one day a week and the existing place two days. today i had to pick him up at 12:30 after lunch, but from next week he'll nap there too. he went really well: all new adults and kids and he didn't bat an eyelid. also managed to go to the toilet himself and did a painting, a collage and "sang songs". he is getting so grownup, it was almost like school with his little lunchbox and special place to leave his hat. this kindy is in our street, like the existing care place (I'm very, very lucky that way), and it looks like it will work out well. apart from the cost of all this care, but lately I've realised that dh's family has more money behind it than I'd thought and that frankly, it's unlikely that A will want for school fees or medical care, or that dh and I will be poor in our retirement, so I've been blithely throwing money at problems; readymade meals, a mechanic for the car's flat battery, babysitters, etc, etc. it may not be sustainable longterm but I'm experiencing the current confluence of work, writing, illness, husband away and sundry projects as a crisis, and I'm happy enough to solve it in that fashion.
headachey day, which ain't helping get the work done.
also A's first day at "little kindy", really another childcare centre with a kinder program. he will go there one day a week and the existing place two days. today i had to pick him up at 12:30 after lunch, but from next week he'll nap there too. he went really well: all new adults and kids and he didn't bat an eyelid. also managed to go to the toilet himself and did a painting, a collage and "sang songs". he is getting so grownup, it was almost like school with his little lunchbox and special place to leave his hat. this kindy is in our street, like the existing care place (I'm very, very lucky that way), and it looks like it will work out well. apart from the cost of all this care, but lately I've realised that dh's family has more money behind it than I'd thought and that frankly, it's unlikely that A will want for school fees or medical care, or that dh and I will be poor in our retirement, so I've been blithely throwing money at problems; readymade meals, a mechanic for the car's flat battery, babysitters, etc, etc. it may not be sustainable longterm but I'm experiencing the current confluence of work, writing, illness, husband away and sundry projects as a crisis, and I'm happy enough to solve it in that fashion.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
headachey day, which ain't helping get the work done.
also A's first day at "little kindy", really another childcare centre with a kinder program. he will go there one day a week and the existing place two days. today i had to pick him up at 12:30 after lunch, but from next week he'll nap there too. he went really well: all new adults and kids and he didn't bat an eyelid. also managed to go to the toilet himself and did a painting, a collage and "sang songs". he is getting so grownup, it was almost like school with his little lunchbox and special place to leave his hat. this kindy is in our street, like the existing care place (I'm very, very lucky that way), and it looks like it will work out well. apart from the cost of all this care, but lately I've realised that dh's family has more money behind it than I'd thought and that frankly, it's unlikely that A will want for school fees or medical care, or that dh and I will be poor in our retirement, so I've been blithely throwing money at problems; readymade meals, a mechanic for the car's flat battery, babysitters, etc, etc. it may not be sustainable longterm but I'm experiencing the current confluence of work, writing, illness, husband away and sundry projects as a crisis, and I'm happy enough to solve it in that fashion.
also A's first day at "little kindy", really another childcare centre with a kinder program. he will go there one day a week and the existing place two days. today i had to pick him up at 12:30 after lunch, but from next week he'll nap there too. he went really well: all new adults and kids and he didn't bat an eyelid. also managed to go to the toilet himself and did a painting, a collage and "sang songs". he is getting so grownup, it was almost like school with his little lunchbox and special place to leave his hat. this kindy is in our street, like the existing care place (I'm very, very lucky that way), and it looks like it will work out well. apart from the cost of all this care, but lately I've realised that dh's family has more money behind it than I'd thought and that frankly, it's unlikely that A will want for school fees or medical care, or that dh and I will be poor in our retirement, so I've been blithely throwing money at problems; readymade meals, a mechanic for the car's flat battery, babysitters, etc, etc. it may not be sustainable longterm but I'm experiencing the current confluence of work, writing, illness, husband away and sundry projects as a crisis, and I'm happy enough to solve it in that fashion.
headachey day, which ain't helping get the work done.
also A's first day at "little kindy", really another childcare centre with a kinder program. he will go there one day a week and the existing place two days. today i had to pick him up at 12:30 after lunch, but from next week he'll nap there too. he went really well: all new adults and kids and he didn't bat an eyelid. also managed to go to the toilet himself and did a painting, a collage and "sang songs". he is getting so grownup, it was almost like school with his little lunchbox and special place to leave his hat. this kindy is in our street, like the existing care place (I'm very, very lucky that way), and it looks like it will work out well. apart from the cost of all this care, but lately I've realised that dh's family has more money behind it than I'd thought and that frankly, it's unlikely that A will want for school fees or medical care, or that dh and I will be poor in our retirement, so I've been blithely throwing money at problems; readymade meals, a mechanic for the car's flat battery, babysitters, etc, etc. it may not be sustainable longterm but I'm experiencing the current confluence of work, writing, illness, husband away and sundry projects as a crisis, and I'm happy enough to solve it in that fashion.
also A's first day at "little kindy", really another childcare centre with a kinder program. he will go there one day a week and the existing place two days. today i had to pick him up at 12:30 after lunch, but from next week he'll nap there too. he went really well: all new adults and kids and he didn't bat an eyelid. also managed to go to the toilet himself and did a painting, a collage and "sang songs". he is getting so grownup, it was almost like school with his little lunchbox and special place to leave his hat. this kindy is in our street, like the existing care place (I'm very, very lucky that way), and it looks like it will work out well. apart from the cost of all this care, but lately I've realised that dh's family has more money behind it than I'd thought and that frankly, it's unlikely that A will want for school fees or medical care, or that dh and I will be poor in our retirement, so I've been blithely throwing money at problems; readymade meals, a mechanic for the car's flat battery, babysitters, etc, etc. it may not be sustainable longterm but I'm experiencing the current confluence of work, writing, illness, husband away and sundry projects as a crisis, and I'm happy enough to solve it in that fashion.
Monday, January 15, 2007
ps: 800 articles divided by 40 hours=3 minutes per article. it was *never* going to be just 40 hours!
this is not related at all to babies or cancer except indirectly. I am sitting here hating myself but knowing I'm doing the right thing. Before xmas, I agreed to take on a huge and very boring report for someone I've done a bit of work for. it is massive: 800 articles to be crunched into 30,000 words. I was told it was about 40 hours work. then of course I got sick, the dog got sick and on top of that a publisher has asked to see more of my work but I don't have time to - and did I mention that dh is away all week, Sunday to Saturday inclusive? and I have several other timeconsuming and stressful non-mothering tasks underway.
this report is due next Monday. I'd allowed 40 hours with a margin, but all my hard-organised childcare time went on hospital, etc, etc. I felt sick when I realised how big it was to start with; now at the 35 hour mark I have at least 10-15 hours work to do, and no time to do it in. so this morning I emailed the person I'm doing it for - and he's on holiday - telling him I couldn't finish it and discussing which bits I should leave undone. he's just emailed me back saying "if it takes more than 40 hours just proceed", so I"ve had to mail him again being even clearer: I am doing 40 hours, then I'm stopping. He said it would be too hard for someone else to take it over at this stage so I've suggested that maybe I should get it to someone else now, not next week: and that I'm keeping the undone bits as well-defined as possible.
I have always tried to honour my commitments. but I didn't commit to an endless task. and I guess I also believe, post-cancer, that I need to have time to rest, to be with my little boy, to write. the only way to get this work done would be to cancel everything else and stay up until midnight all week working. and I'm just not going to do that for something that I didn't promise to do in the first place that is, after all, just for the money, not love.
can you tell I'm still trying to convince myself I'm right? I'm not right. I'm wrong. I'm letting someone down. But I know if I don't I'll go crazy and I'm not doing that. not any more.
this report is due next Monday. I'd allowed 40 hours with a margin, but all my hard-organised childcare time went on hospital, etc, etc. I felt sick when I realised how big it was to start with; now at the 35 hour mark I have at least 10-15 hours work to do, and no time to do it in. so this morning I emailed the person I'm doing it for - and he's on holiday - telling him I couldn't finish it and discussing which bits I should leave undone. he's just emailed me back saying "if it takes more than 40 hours just proceed", so I"ve had to mail him again being even clearer: I am doing 40 hours, then I'm stopping. He said it would be too hard for someone else to take it over at this stage so I've suggested that maybe I should get it to someone else now, not next week: and that I'm keeping the undone bits as well-defined as possible.
I have always tried to honour my commitments. but I didn't commit to an endless task. and I guess I also believe, post-cancer, that I need to have time to rest, to be with my little boy, to write. the only way to get this work done would be to cancel everything else and stay up until midnight all week working. and I'm just not going to do that for something that I didn't promise to do in the first place that is, after all, just for the money, not love.
can you tell I'm still trying to convince myself I'm right? I'm not right. I'm wrong. I'm letting someone down. But I know if I don't I'll go crazy and I'm not doing that. not any more.
Friday, January 05, 2007
great parenting moment #17: after washing the stupid glass table and setting out almost matching crockery and chopsticks, mere minutes before the in-laws arrive with sushi, I notice a mark on the chair A has been sitting on. he'd snuck out of the potty room without me realising. yes, it was what you think it was.
at least incredibly neat and tidy, even fastidious, mil has yet to arrive. the carpet is covered with dog fluff but what can I do? lifting anything over a kilo - and that includes vacuuming - kills my arm. serious pain vs mil's respect? difficult call, but at least there's no shit on my kitchen chairs. any more.
at least incredibly neat and tidy, even fastidious, mil has yet to arrive. the carpet is covered with dog fluff but what can I do? lifting anything over a kilo - and that includes vacuuming - kills my arm. serious pain vs mil's respect? difficult call, but at least there's no shit on my kitchen chairs. any more.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
the op, btw, went OK; delayed a day due to hospital scheduling issues; I now have a very sore and flat right side of my chest. it will be weeks before it stops hurting, but it will stop hurting and I will get back to the mobility I had before the expander went in, back in April. despite my desire to look halfway normal, I think it's going to be a while before I voluntarily check into surgery again.
the hospital was so small; a converted Brighton mansion, really. and I like my hospitals like I like my planes: big. but they were very nice and I didn't feel as crap as I thought i might. meaning I was a 3 rather than a 1, I suppose.
child approaching, must go...
the hospital was so small; a converted Brighton mansion, really. and I like my hospitals like I like my planes: big. but they were very nice and I didn't feel as crap as I thought i might. meaning I was a 3 rather than a 1, I suppose.
child approaching, must go...
hah. dh has just informed me: "i don't think of you as tough". this is just after my fourth operation on this stupid ex-breast, and after watching me do things like swim and ride my bike one-handed, continue to cope with A while dh works 10-hour days, all in the face of death, etc etc. no bloody idea is all I can say.
oh, and a few days ago in the context of a general conversation about surgical options he said, with his back to me: "I don't think another pregnancy is a good idea." just like that. it's a topic I've been putting off, but it seems he's made up his mind. he quickly backtracked when he saw how shocked I was, both at the opinion and the manner of its delivery, but I can see I"m in for a battle. and frankly, it shouldn't be a battle. he should be doing everything he can, including offering to scale back his work, to help me - us- prevent the cancer from winning and completing our family as planned, if not on schedule. and me being who I am, the decree only makes me want that baby more.
I'll show him tough.
oh, and a few days ago in the context of a general conversation about surgical options he said, with his back to me: "I don't think another pregnancy is a good idea." just like that. it's a topic I've been putting off, but it seems he's made up his mind. he quickly backtracked when he saw how shocked I was, both at the opinion and the manner of its delivery, but I can see I"m in for a battle. and frankly, it shouldn't be a battle. he should be doing everything he can, including offering to scale back his work, to help me - us- prevent the cancer from winning and completing our family as planned, if not on schedule. and me being who I am, the decree only makes me want that baby more.
I'll show him tough.
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